It’s a familiar scenario; you’ve had a big fight, you’ve both been angry and said and done things you probably regret. Things have gotten a little too heated and out of hand. Later when you have both calmed down you both declare “let’s never fight again”. You probably feel raw and hurt but know you love each other and there is no doubt it is something you both mean and want. The bad news is that it is probably a certainty that you will fight again. In fact you will likely have pretty much the same fight again… and again. The fact that despite your best intentions the same pattern keeps recurring is confusing and disheartening and inevitably undermines your belief in your relationship and your partner. In my work with couples I start with the assumption that you will fight again. To say that you won’t is to set yourselves up for failure. As complex, nuanced and often contradictory human beings there is endless potential for misunderstandings and contradictory desires. In fact I would be rather more concerned to hear that a couple never fights. A couple that doesn’t fight is likely to be a couple that doesn’t communicate their feelings and that is a sure sign that the relationship will end up in trouble. Accepting the reality that you will have conflict opens up the possibility of doing things differently. It gives you the opportunity to reflect on the experience of fighting. I encourage couples to talk about how they argue. This does not mean starting the fight again, it’s not about bringing up the subject of the conflict, rather it is about looking at what happens when you argue. It’s about planning how you are going to fight when it happens next time. WHAT RULES CAN YOU SET AROUND CONFLICT?
These behaviours are a sure sign it is time to call a timeout. You are no longer discussing an issue that can be resolved, you are now fighting to make your partner feel hurt. FIGHT FAIR Planning to “fight fair” recognises the reality that when we fight we often become flooded with chemicals that shut down our ability to be rational adults. Setting some rules beforehand at least gives you both the potential to override the urge to keep fighting and agree that it’s time to walk away … until next time. Rather than saying “let’s never fight again” I would encourage you to say “let’s fight differently next time”. - Paul Medew - Founder, Full Circle Counselling Echuca.
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