⚫️ The jobs of relatives & friends who are watching online news updates from afar has never been more important. ⚫️ Locals need clear minded, direct advice and reassurance from those who have slept. ⚫️ Watch for signs of shock in your loved ones when talking to them by phone or text. ⚫️ Help by going over basic procedures that often go overlooked in a crisis. ⚫️ If you’re feeling helpless, you can help by remaining calm and focused. ————————————————-- CRITICAL QUESTIONS TO ASK : ————————————————-- ⚫️ Do you have ample medication supplies? ⚫️ Do you have spare water supplies if flood sewerage compromises drinking water? ⚫️ Do you have a phone charger and back up batteries? ⚫️ Are you drinking plenty of water amid the humidity and sandbagging? ⚫️ Are you watching out for displaced snakes and wildlife? Be careful and caring. ⚫️ Have you packed a light bag with medication and essentials in case of sudden evacuation? You may not be able to think clearly when rushed. ⚫️ Are you checking SMS from emergency services before personal ones? ⚫️ Do you have the SES phone number saved to your contacts? 132 500 ————————————————-- UNDERSTAND SHOCK : ————————————————-- ⚫️ Flood emergencies trigger our brain’s primal survival responses. ⚫️ Severe shock, anxiety and dissociation can flood your adrenal system. ⚫️ Many locals are rushing to protect their families, pets, homes and businesses. This affects blood pressure and mental health. ⚫️ When adrenalin is flooding your brain and body, you may oscillate from feeling a rush of energy to a helpless numbness or even a detached quietness. ⚫️ When people don’t have adequate time to prepare for an emergency they go into Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn mode. ————————————————-- WHAT TO LISTEN AND LOOK FOR DURING LEAD UP : ————————————————-- SYMPTOM : ⭕️ BROKEN SENTENCES IN CONVERSATION If someone is dashing from one sentence to another with their voice trailing off, this can indicate they are in shock and starting to dissociate. They can at times seem too relaxed or in denial. This is the brains way of protecting itself in FREEZE mode. WHAT THEY NEED: - Reassurance and patience - To be allowed to fade in and out - To not be talked over - To hear a calm tone - To have a break from new information ————————————————-- SYMPTOM : ⭕️ TREMBLING HANDS, WEAK STOMACH, BUTTERFLIES, TEARS These are obvious signs of anxiety, adrenal flooding in FREEZE MODE. WHAT THEY NEED: - Oxygen and quiet - To be reminded to sit down, breathe and count out loud until it passes - To be reassured that they will plan or respond better if they take a few minutes out first - To be told you can help ————————————————-- SYMPTOM : ⭕️ DANGEROUS, RUSHED BEHAVIOUR If your loved one is operating heavy machinery to lift goods to higher ground, check if they’re following simple safety procedures. If they’ve forgetten to wear a hard hat and are driving forklifts or trucks erratically, that’s a sign they are in FIGHT OR FLIGHT MODE. WHAT THEY NEED: - To slow down - To see stern eye contact - To hear simple, step by step instructions - To be reminded they are no good to anyone if they hurt or exhaust themselves - To be offered simple assistance and relieved of decisions. ————————————————-- SYMPTOM : ⭕️ ANGER AND BLAME If your loved one is in “blame mode” this is the inverse of shame. Many are overwhelmed with shame that they didn’t prepare well enough, aren’t properly insured and don’t know what to do next. It’s natural to flip to blame when this occurs. This is a sign of FIGHT MODE. WHAT THEY NEED: - To be reminded it’s no one’s fault - To be told it’s going to be okay - To prioritise what matters. Focusing on exact dates of proposed river peaks will only lead to frustration. Natural disasters are unpredictable. - To concede that we are all doing our best - To know that the town has a robust community who will help no matter what happens, when - To hear from those watching from afar that insurance contacts and links to relief funding are being taken care of - To hear you can help them apply for instant relief funding online if they’re confused and lacking concentration due to stress ————————————————-- SYMPTOM : ⭕️ CONSTANT CHECKING IN BY PHONE OR SOCIAL MEDIA If someone is texting, calling or checking social media more regularly this can be a sign of FAWN MODE. It’s a sign they need more reassurance. WHAT THEY NEED: - To know they haven’t missed anything important. - To receive a text from you before you text them. - To have the inundation of conflicting information filtered properly - To hear that you’ve checked reliable sources and that you will feed through any clear updates from : ⚫️ VIC SES Echuca Unit ⚫️ Coliban Water ⚫️ ABC Goulburn Murray - To hear you will inform them of latest road closure information if they are forced to evacuate. ⚫️ Live Traffic VIC: https://traffic.vicroads.vic.gov.au ⚫️ Live Traffic NSW: https://www.livetraffic.com/ ————————————————-- SYMPTOM : ⭕️ LACK OF SLEEP During a crisis, lack of sleep leads to lack of concentration and good judgement. At the exact time the body and brain needs rest to gather energy for the coming days, adrenal flooding can lead to restless sleep when on high alert. This is a symptom of all 4 FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE, FAWN modes. WHAT THEY NEED: - To be reminded it’s vital to lay still and rest even if sleep evades them. - A warm cup of milk and honey before bed. - To know they’ve done all they can and whatever happens, you’ll still be there. - To visualise the army troops below who are here to help us all. ————————————————-- ⚫️ Please share advice for anyone who may need it in the coming week. Thank you Full Circle Counselling Echuca
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SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE STRATEGIES FROM TERRANCE REAL - Shared by Full Circle Couples Counselling Echuca18/7/2022 SOME FREE MARRIAGE THERAPY
“The New Rules of Marriage” By Terrance Real. 🍂 THE FIVE LOSING STRATEGIES 🍂 Needing to be Right
🍂 Controlling Your Partner
🍂 Unbridled Self-Expression
🍂 Retaliation
🍂 Withdrawal
🍃 THE FIVE WINNING STRATEGIES 🍃 Shifting from Complaint to Request
🍃 Speaking Out with Love and Savvy
🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃 THE FEEDBACK WHEEL This requires mature, adult selves to reflect (not react) with honesty.
🍃 Responding with Generosity
🍃 Empowering Each Other
🍃 Cherishing (If you find these notions wishy-washy, you’re simply not trying hard enough to maintain a healthy relationship)
🍁 The Repair Process: 🍁 • Phase One: Speaking and Listening
🍁• Phase Two: Responding with Generosity
🍁• Phase Three: Empowering Each Other
🍃 RECOMMEND READING : US by Terrance Real 🍃 Note from Full Circle Counselling : If some of these negative patterns have seeped into your relationship and you require supportive guidance, book an appointment at www.full-circle-counselling.com Does your partner change when travelling? How can you help?
⭕️ We are not monolithic. The parts of us that inform our decisions and reactions are based on foregone experiences in which “Shadow Selves” form. The recognition of our internal multiplicity in “parts work” is essential. Its the basis of Internal Family Systems (IFS) which we practice at Full Circle Counselling. Learning how to recognise the internal : ⭕️ Managers ⭕️ Exiles ⭕️ Firefighters who govern your conscience and react in self-defence gives you access to the Core Self - the solution maker. The Core Self, as centralist, is the one you can rely on to make sound decisions and resolve issues. In order for that central part to be activated, it first needs to sit with the reactive parts and listen to them. It needs to befriend them, relinquish judgment or shame, patiently hear their story and validate it. For example, a militant, karate-chopping part may have formed in childhood when it was wrongly blamed and failed to find the vocabulary to explain. When a new incident occurs - something that is entirely irrelevant to that past experience- the Karate-chopper within may step forward to defend your adult self from judgement. It will feel extreme and unlike you. You will instantly recognise it as an anti-social reaction.
That’s your cue to take pause and find some time to sit with it and figure out where it originated. Hear that part out, thank it for trying to defend you. Reassure that part you are all grown up now and can handle this one on your own. You’ll find the over-protective Karate arms will come down and will be happy for you that you’re capable - as an adult - of dealing with whatever issue is at play. Again. We are not monoliths. We are multiplex. It’s a good thing. So while some knee jerk reactions may feel out of character, they’re usually signs of past parts crying out to be heard. Hear them. Hug them. And put them to bed. Allow the grown up or core self to take care of business. As Founder of Full Circle Counselling Echuca I am trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS) and can help you access your parts, give them names and integrate them so your Core Self can lead forthwith. Make an appointment today. o full circle counselling o consulting rooms o office left I 47 heygarth st echuca vic 3564 o phone o 0478 672 867 o website: www.full-circle-counselling.com o email : [email protected] o principal therapist : paul medew o abn 76613403975 o confidential counselling for individuals, couples & families o "when you need to see someone..." There’s the obvious and the insidious response when it comes to post traumatic stress. Traumatic experiences, even imperceptible ones, create an effect that is commonly known to last for many days, sometimes a lifetime. We all know that during a crisis, our amagdyla signals danger and we respond to the threat radar with a flight, fight or freeze response. What may not be so commonly obvious is the emotional disenfranchisement or dysregulation that comes with it and plays out afterwards, without obvious reason at unpredictable times during the processing phase. When the body experiences a rise in adrenaline or cortisol in response to threat, the mind looks for rational reasoning. It needs to make sense of it. Which is why good news isn’t always easily celebrated by the traumatised or may even feel like a set up to be lured into a false sense of security. The mind, when flooded with stress hormones seeks to protect itself against further shock. It prepares itself for the next unpredictable manoeuvre. Therefore once you’re in what most would recognise as the safe zone, the mind and the stress hormones it issues forth in preparing to flee may not be necessarily responsive to the idea of safety. Particularly if the exposure to threat has been prolonged or protracted. As the realistic, perceptible threat diminishes, the mind may stay on guard. We call this hyper-vigilance. The important thing to remember when you’ve been under complex, long or short term distress, punctuated by moments of eustress (momentary relief) is that you will have dysregulated emotions and overworked adrenal glands. Trauma processing takes time. You may : ⭕️ Experience broken sleep or insomnia. ⭕️ Find yourself repetitively mulling over best and worst case scenarios. (Obsessive rumination). ⭕️ Become socially withdrawn. ⭕️ Demonstrate a noticeable lack of motivation or self care. ⭕️ Desire rest (day and night). This is not “doing it the wrong way” this is just allowing your psyche and your body and mind come to turns with what just happened or has been happening for some time below the radar. It’s often at this junctures that people seek therapy. In the mean time: + Allow time for the cortisone and adrenaline to come down. + Utilise the 4 by 4 ratio breathing technique. + Chat to family, friends and loved ones to get the full load off your shoulders and gain validation. You don’t need to share your entire story or relive every detail, this can serve to re-traumatise. Just offer clues and bit-parts of your story. Allow their responses to validate your experience.
(Importantly: Don’t absorb the frustration of those who respond with impatience or suggest it’s time you moved on. This can signal their own self defence mechanisms to triggering reminders. Their denial is not your problem). + Invest in your own self care. Start small. Every bit helps. + Explain to your loved ones and colleagues that you’re having a rough week but will back on deck when things calm down. + The brain can’t ascertain the difference between emotion and thought. Be aware of this. + Train yourself to be more conscientious of what thought preceded the emotion or which emotion precedes the thought in reaction. We have sessions available over Zoom or phone during lockdowns ⭕️ Full Fircle Counseling Founder Paul Medew o full circle counselling o consulting rooms o office left I 47 heygarth st echuca vic 3564 o phone o 0478 672 867 o website: www.full-circle-counselling.com o email : [email protected] o principal therapist : paul medew o abn 76613403975 o confidential counselling for individuals, couples & families o "when you need to see someone..." May I just precede this post with the assurance that.. “It’s okay...I’m not one of those.” I all too often hear of people reflecting on their past therapy sessions with others “feeling worse coming out than when I went in...” feeling a sense of failure after being encouraged to “think positive” or to practice some kind of zen based gratitude, which frankly, culturally is at odds with the overarching structure we’re messaged constantly to achieve at all costs. While practicing gratitude - despite its recent capitalisation and the wellness / self- help industry that has co-opted such principals - and positive thought practises certainly have their place and necessity; perhaps say in anticipation of an important event or in response to unnecessary nervousness and while research does lean toward “think and I shall be” mind sets of mind coaching frameworks having progressive outcomes, they really are a cheap answer to usually very expansive problems. In other words, you have our full permission to say “sorry, but that just doesn’t cut it,” if your therapist or a book you’re reading is suggesting you’re not doing it right and you need to think more positive. Can they just back off with the smiley faces already? With the work that we do at Full Circle Counselling, an avoidance of the very thing that is causation of so called “negative” responses (we prefer to call them informative precursors or sign posts) is far more damaging to your mental and psychoemotional health in the long term.
And the safe space of a therapeutic session is exactly the place you should be examining those murky waters, not avoiding them with the pressure to “think positive” with the educated guidance of one who has studied and specialised in getting you through to the other side after walking through, in a measured and guided manner, the parts of your very personal story that you may not feel comfortable disclosing to others who invariably have a vested interest in your public positivity. It’s often - understandably - difficult for friends or family members to go to those difficult places with you. Even in the most intimate or relaxed settings. The people closest to you - your confidants and your tribal elders or kinfolk - simply want the best for you in the shortest time possible. And most simply aren’t equipped with the knowledge to furnish you with a broader understanding of the internal microcosms of your psychology and how they impact how you’re feeling on a day to day basis. But that’s what therapists are for. It’s our thing. That’s why you set aside an hour of your very busy life to sit with us and examine your internal rough spots and relationships. And so relieve yourself of the omnipresent pressure to “think positive.” Trust your feelings even if you don’t entirely understand them. And never fall for that dismissive line from a paid professional. All it’s really telling you is that they’re late for a meeting or a lunch date and they’re not doing what they’ve been hired to do. What is going on behind that computer they’re tapping on while you’re disclosing your innermost? Are they playing Tetris? Are they reading their own self help meme on the socials? The relationship you have with your therapist - while at its base is transactional - should never be reduced to a Platoism or a “don’t worry, be happy” bumper sticker. You’re paying your therapist to tune in, not tune out. And no matter how many similar stories we may hear in the course of a working week, it’s our job to unpack yours with as much care and concentration as it deserves. That’s our job. Life is complicated. Your emotional roadmap and your psychosocial response system is complex. For you, as the driver (often with kids in the back seat and so many irritating “think positive” signposts en route your safe place). But it should never be for the therapist you employ to explain the internal machinery beneath the hood and external infrastructure surrounding. Call us. We promise we won’t insist you “think positive,” not at least until you’ve gotten to that place of understanding that kinda takes care of all that itself. o full circle counselling o consulting rooms o office left I 47 heygarth st echuca vic 3564 o phone o 0478 672 867 o website: www.full-circle-counselling.com o email : [email protected] o principal therapist : paul medew o abn 76613403975 o confidential counselling for individuals, couples & families o "when you need to see someone..." READ MORE: https://www.byrdie.com/positive-thinking-psychologists BY PAUL MEDEW FOUNDER FULL CIRCLE COUNSELLING ECHUCA NOTE: PARTS OF THIS BLOG POST WERE PUBLISHED IN THE SHEPPARTON NEWS. Its a seasonal concern and one not likely to abate. We're seeing increasingly conspicuous news items, locally, addressing underlying fears of young people's exposure to a series of online attacks and more internationally, attempts at radicalisation. The Vikings in the global online village intent on denigration and recruitment, commonly hide behind their screens when acting in the most de-humanising of ways. The denoted "trolls" of the village seem intent on de-humanising others as either a sick quest or more likely a projection of their own self loathing and frustration with their outlier status in the village. One of the most troubling aspects of online bullying and on a broader scale, modern life, is the rise of body shaming. The injuring of an Individuals physical esteem. The self cannot be removed from the body. Our sense of “Self", which I work with my clients very closely in my IFS and emotion-focussed psychological "Parts" work, is intrinsically linked to how we feel in the world, in the village, in the home and within ourselves. The Self has an internal compass toward safety and when our children and colleagues and friends are exposed to active humanisation of any kind, their compass toward safety sets off an alarm which usually manifests in severe and debilitating anxiety. Anxiety can take many forms (and leads to variant sometimes unhealthy coping mechanisms which is a whole other part of my work. How long have we got?) It is daunting, unsettling and de-stabilising to be attacked online by a stranger with pejorative and sometimes very personal comments. The power that the abuser yields from doing it online is his or her knowledge that there is an audience; that its public and if comments are made through private messaging, the knowledge that they are only one step away from taking the humiliation into the public sphere where millions may see those comments. To debunk that power is a difficult task. But there are communities online and off who are working together to break the weapons of the online bully and protect the victim from further harm. It is the job of a therapist and if this is happening to a child, also a parent, to direct the victim’s internal compass back to a safe place or back to a strong sense of self that isn’t activated into anxiety, fear and distress by external forces. Online bullying - and please put your negation of the 'snowflake' phenomenon away when that term is mentioned - is a very dire reality that , as a technological extension or digital amplifier of a consumer based society itself is not going away any time soon. So the importance of education and training in how to deal with the online terrorist - and lets face it - it really is a form of terrorism in that the abuser is often masked by anonymity and often has other hidden agendas, most of which speak more about their own lack of compass control and compassion than anything else. A shark knows where the wounded fish swim in the ocean. It goes for vulnerability and senses the blood. Knowing your Self and healing your own psychological wounds is a way to protect yourself from the social predator. Psychogical projection is an act of avoidance and transference. Many troubled individuals, including the classic online bully, is in actual fact projecting the self loathing, defeat, darkness, violence and chaos within themselves onto others. In fact a fully functioning, self actualising, compassionate and intelligent individual with a few sensitive wounds is often their favourite target. The conquest of the shark is to steal the strength and selfhood from the healthy and transfer on to them all the woes they carry within themselves. Its projection 101. There's a reason they pursue and target strangers. A stranger has no context for the abuser's life. They have no come back. They can’t turn around and say “look, we all know your story, you’re not so tough buddy,” Its cowards play to attack a stranger or a distant colleague or quiet kid in the schoolyard to pick on. Online bullying is the biggest coward punch of them all. I am interested in the work of author and feminist, Clementine Ford. While some find her controversial or even misandristic and the profanity with which she sometimes speaks is perhaps not for children or the feint hearted, but I along with many others do admire her audacity and determination in calling out the broadly bull headed misanthropes who constantly regale themselves by attempting to threaten her sense of self. Clem’s answer to the online bully is to call them out and publish online their attacks to her legions of followers. She exposes the terrorist for the destructive and violent individual he or she is and calls upon the public to discuss the broader implications of their misanthropic work. Its a courageous act. Clem holds her ground and her compass of safety very firmly and it will be public commentators such as Clem and so many women and men pushing forward in the body shaming online sphere who will eventually turn the tide on online bullying. They have found audiences who understand and who listen and who are finding practical and enlightening ways to disabuse themselves from the opine of others. The link between body shaming and disordered eating should not be ignored. Shame feeds on insecurity and its often the concealed insecurity that the online terrorist hunts for and feeds off. Thumbing thy nose to the attempts of the online terrorist to elicit shame is the single most powerful thing you can do. Dark triad personalities and armoured online and offline abusers often have deeply narcissistic traits/personality types and once their source of narcissistic supply is diminished (or once their victim turns their back and moves on happily) they truly do not know what to do. Often when they fail to injure an innocent victim, they feel injured themselves and very swiftly move on to the next victim to lash into in order to regain power. Its a vicious cycle. And one that keeps many a therapist in his/her job.
I think its important for those who have been victimised online to reject the idea of identifying as victim for any longer than they should. I love the saying “Before someone diagnoses you with depression, be sure you’re not just surrounded by a***holes (aka lesser beings). Its important not to become the carrier of another person’s problems. It seems strange to think about, but attackers are often wanting to offload their very significant problems onto carriers. This is not the job of anyone but a therapist to deal with. Hand their negative baggage back to them, if only in your mind. Imagine walking up to their front door, knocking and saying “what you said momentarily made me feel shame, but I realised I’m carrying it for you. This is not my shame, this is yours. And I’m here to give it back to its rightful owner.” Then walk away. I guarantee they will not know what to do with it, but that is not your problem. These are very lonely people. What is emboldening is the fact that online communities are not only places of harm and trolling, they can also bring together vastly supportive groups of individuals who together keep the safety compass moving in the right direction. My advice to those dealing with online bullying is to physically block the bully’s profile, report if necessary, return the shame to them and move on, head high. Allowing a narcissistic attack to wound you in an effort for them to transfer their own self loathing onto an unsuspecting victim is to become entwined in their very disturbed and wounded identity. You have your own identity. Protect it. There is a technique called D.E.E.P. which many use in the face of narcissistic abuse. Don’t Engage. Don’t Explain Protect Your “self" Abusive characters of all ages in all locations both on and offline feed off others pain, others protest, others need to explain, their very engagement. Its a win for them to see us distressed, indignant and wounded. The most constructive way to counter the provocations from the narcissistic act or the bully is to disengage, pity them for the very miserable experiences that led to the formation of their complex, power-seeking personality and protect yourself from further harm by simply shutting them out. Its called grey-walling. Most online social media channels have a BLOCK function which is there to assist you in the aforementioned process. At Full Circle Counselling Echuca, we work with some clients to sharpen their knowledge of potentially harmful exposure to toxic personality types and to keep hold of their internal compass ( ie. "The Self” that I refer to who governs our reactions, our sense of identity, our ability to react or protect self when others are projecting their issues. ) It takeswork, but it has enduring gains. Attacks on the Self, whether it be our bodies or our opinions, even our children, can be enormously distressing. But there are ways to step out of the realm of victimhood toward a better understanding of our reactions and their provocations. Its a tremendously liberating process and I encourage all parents, partners and individuals to educate themselves or seek guidance from a professional on how to hone those skills “ PAUL MEDEW FOUNDER FULL CIRCLE COUNSELLING ECHUCA www.fullcirclecounselling.com.au We would all like to think that child psychology is as simple and uncomplicated as how the child seems or presents most of the time.
This is an erroneous presumption that usually says more about the adult or carer’s needs to not get distracted and to conserve time than anything else. Children are extremely well attuned to what goes on around them and can detect when their questions or requests are being met with a vague “Yes, that’s nice,” or “Mm, really?” or “That sounds interesting...” as the adult shuffles around with their eyes and attention diverted. Children may have limited capacity to transform their feelings into coherent sentences. The don’t have the privilege of broad academic or emotional-orientated language skills to clarify what they’re feeling. But if you are attuned to children, you will instantly detect when they are frustrated and that is the cue you need to heed in terms of slowing down. Coming down to a child’s level, making eye contact and asking them to explain what’s going on is a good start. But the most important thing is not so much how you respond but in fact how well you listen and engage in the process of allowing them to be heard. When a child complains that they are “bored” for instance, that’s often a code for something more layered. The child may be feeling ignored, unchallenged, disillusioned or unheard. The lack of things to “do” during the holiday period that they complain about is often a simplified and codified way of expressing the benign neglect they’re feeling. By telling the adults and carers around them that they’re bored and don’t know what to do, they’re telling them they feel irrelevant in the family system and crave engagement. You’ll notice if you answer a child’s quest to eradicate boredom with a knee jerk suggestion of an activity or game, they’ll often reject it or dismiss it. This is a child’s way of telling you they require your eye contact, your involvement in their activity, your connection to them and your disconnection from whatever is distracting you from being a present parent or carer. They want you to ask more questions. They would like you to hear a little more about what’s going on for them. Your time and your undivided attention means more to them than any attempt to find them something to do outside or to suggest an offhand momentary distraction for them. Children are well aware of the adult habit of brushing them off. They are quite capable of finding their own activities. And they will after they feel they have been tuned into satisfactorily by their primary attachment figures. A casual but lengthy and meandering drive in a car with your child or children can be an excellent way of connecting with your child. Children feel safe in the intimate confines of the family vehicle and while their parents drive, while often going into a zone of concentrating on the road, they are present and available to listen and respond. The further you drive with your child, the more access you’ll acquire to their thoughts as they randomly chatter about their issues and all the little thoughts that occupy their busy minds. “What do you think about that?” is often the best response to a question they may pose. Not because you don’t have your own answer, which is usually attached to an agenda. But because, as all good therapists know, most people, including children and teenagers possess the answer to their own questions. They simply need the conversational guidance and undivided attention of a listener to help them source their own solutions. These school holidays, give listening a try. And use the fail safe response of “I’m not sure, but what do you think about that?” as a prompt for your child to know they are being listened to and that their attachment figures are tuned in. You may be surprised how quickly the “boreds” dissipate and how soon they return to their own preferred activities. If you’re experiencing difficulty connecting with your child or children these school holidays, we would love to help. ⭕️ Full Circle Counselling Paul l. Medew 🪑 Office left 47 Heygarth St Echuca BOOKINGS: o website: www.full-circle-counselling.com o email : [email protected] ☎️ +61 (0) 478 672 867 From one extreme to another...
The swinging pendulum of Covid19 life. Winter in country Victoria was a white wash of quietude for many who bunkered down, relied on locals for acts of small kindness and held their breath for borders to reopen (including the controversial Murray Bridge) without too much ado. Businesses suffered. Families suffered. Couples and individuals each suffered the brunt of Uncle Dan's official state restriction announcements. Gradually moving back into life can be exhilarating at first. But once businesses start up again and travellers hit town, it can feel like an avalanche of unexpected activity. Enough for the Vagus Nerve to spasm for a while there. Its important to remember during the rush and tear of post-restriction life in country Victoria, that you are not obliged to submit to the pressure. You may not be ready to jump straght back into the way things were, pre-covid. Dip your toes back in to the familiar and ease back into the roles you were playing before the various lock downs. You can't be that same person and charge up all that momentum as soon as you take your seat back in the office chair or your board room or even stroll out of the sporting field. Physical preparation is just as important as psychoemotional warm ups. We are all a little out of sorts. Be gentle on yourself. Ease back in and avoid the post lock-down exhaustion game as long as you can. We always have appointments available after hours for those too busy to book in during standard work hours. Sat Sun appointments always welcome too *subject to availability. The work we like to do is meaningful work that leads to long term change. Transformation doesn't happen overnight, but it happens in its own time, both in and out of session if the work is done or guided through well enough. We would love to help. BOOKINGS OPEN: 0478672867 Who are you in the context of your family of origin? ... Were you the golden child? The black sheep? The child carer? The conflict-avoidant middle child? 💡Carl Jung brought to light the idea of “Individuation;” the process of stepping into an adult role and the invocation of identity outside the boundaries and limitations of your prescribed family role. Individuation involves the integration or coming together of all the internalised archetypes of your identity. Making friends with your inner enemies in a sense. All the roles that have been projected upon you by others in your developing years require a level of understanding, analysis and acceptance. At the very same time and perhaps more importantly, the polite rejection of what others deemed your conclusive role in life is mandatory. Family psychology is complex. We would all like to think we are above or beyond our infant years. That archetypes don’t apply to us. That they’re far too simple or cliched to explain us. Truth is, for better or worse, we are not. We have all spent many many years as members of families, institutions and social circles, playing hard-wired roles that were lazily dished out to us by those too busy or uninformed to think about them as consequential. Old habits die hard. Educational institutions are an interesting foundation. If at school for instance, you were ascribed a role of the class clown, the high achiever, the sporting hero or back row trouble maker, chances are you’re struggling in adulthood to rewrite that narrative to suit who you’ve become. Within the family, eldest child, middle, youngest or only child roles are deeply embedded in our subconscious story. As are step child and adopted child roles. Years of repetition and the circuits built to keep those familial machinations in motion are hard to break. There is a primitive comfort in the familiar. It’s frightening to imagine how “circuit breaking” may effect the smooth flow of the ritualised and established family system. Reluctance to mess with the hornet’s nest is common. Which is why therapists exist. To minimise damage and to help manage the paradox of needing to be part of and attached to something (family/community) that you also need to disengage from in pursuit of a satisfied life (individualism / identity). It’s tricky stuff. With some committed work and guidance from a trained professional, we can disentangle ourselves from the unconscious biases formed within and engage in a contract of self formation. We can, in other words, become ourselves. Jung often represented the self as a circle or mandala. A full circle.
⭕️ Bringing the conflict between unconcious role-playing and conscious decision making into awareness and accommodating them with eyes wide open is an aspirational achievement of the self actualised. Jungian philosophy works hand in hand with the therapeutic IFS model I work with (namely, Internal Family Systems). To gain insight into and even befriend our often internalised or dysmorphic parts and our role in the family of origin is a critical part of Individuation and self-finding. And after the difficult years in our 20s and 30s in which we grapple to break away from our family in order to break down those expectations, most people find that - like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz - the path of Individuation invariably leads right back home, where you can reintroduce yourself to your family of origin as...yourself. Your actual self. You doing you. There are many reasons why this may not be as easy as it sounds. But there are far more reasons why it is the only emotionally feasible way forward. - Paul Medew - FULL CIRCLE COUNSELLING ECHUCA - After hours and weekend appointments available. BOOKINGS +61 (0) 478 672 867 o email : [email protected] FROM RIVERINE HERALD NEWSPAPER ECHUCA
INTERVIEW WITH PAUL MEDEW, PRINCIPAL THERAPIST AT FULL CIRCLE COUNSELLING Echuca Full Circle Counselling therapist Paul Medew said there had been a significant increase in people looking for services, particularly in the past few weeks. “I think the lockdown has gone on for such a long time that people are starting to feel it in a way they hadn’t before,” he said. “The lack of clarity around what is going to happen is really affecting a lot of people.” Mr Medew said he had seen people with increased anxiety and depression, often caused by a lack of feeling in control. “An environment like this is very unsettling for people and the everyday stresses of lockdown and people being uncertain really increases the tensions in families,” he said. Mr Medew said he expected the mental health of many in the community to improve now schools had re-opened. “I’m relieved that schools have gone back, I think that’s going to be helpful for a lot of people,” he said. “I think this experience has bought to the surface a lot of people’s feelings about their emotional wellbeing and the state of their relationships and families.” Mr Medew encouraged people who were struggling with their mental health to do normal things, such as reaching out and connecting with people. “I’d also advise people to avoid saturating themselves with negative social media and news, and look for the normalcy in life,” he said. “Remain optimistic that there is a path forward and there are supports out there.” As for difficulties faced for Year 12 students, Medew says: “Try and re-frame the restrictions as an opportunity to dip your toes into the unsupported world of tertiary life. My guess is that Year 12 students who endured COVID will be far better prepared for life than those who didn’t have it. “Look at it in a positive way, and don’t forget to exercise to relieve the stress of isolation.” Full Circle Counselling’s Paul Medew on getting through Year 12 under trying circumstances. Purchase the Riv Herald from your local newspaper for more interviews with Paul Medew .......... If it’s time to seek professional support, contact us : ✅ APPOINTMENTS FOR COUPLES, INDIVIDUALS & FAMILIES
The “cold shoulder” or “silent treatment” is a commonly used non verbal form of communication during a disagreement or misunderstanding in a relationship.
The good news is, if it’s designed to hurt or scold your partner, it works. The bad news is, if you care about the health and longevity of your relationship, it’s a dead end street. In other words, silent treatment is child’s play and it’s time to grow up. You are not a child anymore and it’s time to learn how to communicate effectively and not just turn your back or shut down when an issue arises. Toxic silence expands by the minute and can do untold damage to your partnership over time. It creates an unhealthy tension and can lead to a deep chasm of distress and underlying issues that if left unresolved can be fatal to a relationship. If used too often, stone walling or toxic silence can lead to a rupture in your relationship whereby unhealthy power plays start to crack the foundation. The stone walling partner may successfully use silence as a weapon to begin with and feel a sense of control and power. They may even achieve an apology from their punished spouse or witness a momentarily positive change in their behaviour. But if this pattern goes on too long, the recipient of toxic silence may decide it’s no longer worth it and decide to move on. This is not to say that the issues you face as an individual in a couple aren’t valid. Human beings are fallible and can let their partner down in many ways with or without realising. But toxic silence is a punitive measure that will take your relationship no where. Sitting down together to have the uncomfortable conversation is the only way forward. We often grow up seeing bad relationship patterns like “cold shouldering” modelled by adults around us who, through no fault of their own, didn’t have access to the sort of relationship wisdom we do today. We can repeat this behaviour for our own children to learn or we can decide it’s time to break the cycle. Learning to sit down and discuss in a mature way, your dissatisfaction with your partners behaviour or the way it makes you feel may feel foreign to begin with. It’s okay to do this in your own time after the dust settles in an argument. You may need to cool down and gain your own perspective before talking. But don’t let the tension become toxic to the point where your partner feels scared, ashamed or abandoned. This is the beginning of the end. Stay connected. Tell your partner you’re feeling upset and you need to talk it through but you’re just not ready. Reassure them that it’s ok and ask them to think about what they want to say as well. A sense that “we will be okay we just have to talk through things,” will prevail if you’re honest with yourself and your partner about why you’re feeling vulnerable or distressed. There may be parts of you that have been triggered by your partners behaviour. It’s common when triggered that parts of you become defensive and angry. It takes work to get past the temptation to knee jerk react with an adult tantrum or toxic silence and arrive at a place where you’re ready to talk in a mature way. Learning to communicate your thoughts and feelings properly will pay off tenfold in your relationship and if children are watching, there will be generational benefits. If you’re wanting to change toxic patterns in relationships and need guidance, invest in couples therapy. We take after hours appointments for those who prefer sessions after work or on weekends. BOOK NOW o full circle counselling o consulting rooms o office left I 47 heygarth st echuca vic 3564 o phone o 0478 672 867 o website: www.full-circle-counselling.com o email : [email protected] o "when you need to see someone..." Ever get the slight feeling of Deja vu within a relationship? As complex and mysterious as humans can be, we're also pretty predictable. Generally speaking, we're attracted to what we know and what we're familiar with. Even if that familiarity might not be a particularly healthy one from a psychological or familial perspective. If your folks were not the best at resolving conflict or even acknowledging their needs and if emotional distance was felt in your childhood home, there's a high chance you'II find yourself in a similar situation as years pass, no matter how committed you are to your partner or how thrilling the beginning of the relationship. And naturally, your children will be passively training for role playing the same relationship dynamic in years to come. Watch those dominos fall! The beginning of a relationship or the 'honeymoon' phase is a delightfully naive phase for a couple. You vow to keep the spark alive forever, conflict is unfathomable and there's no way you'II EVER end up like those emotionally distant couples you see meandering around like the ghosts of love lost. Until you do. As Alain de Botton identified in the most read article in the history of the New York Times article "Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person" : "Though we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn’t that simple. What we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood." But why? You ask. You're looking to solve it, that's why. You want to believe you're better than what you experienced as a child and can captain a relationship with far more integrity. Well guess what? So did they. So do we all. Says De Botton: "The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his/her anger, of not feeling secure enough to communicate our wishes. How logical, then, that we should as grown-ups find ourselves rejecting certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right — too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable — given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign. We marry the wrong people because we don’t associate being loved with feeling happy." Fabulous isn't it? If you find yourself wondering why you ended up feeling like a complete stranger to your partner or even yourself, its more likely to have more to do with the family you grew up in than the one you created or shall we say re-created. Its more likely that you're trying to solve the true mystery of love - the one your parents started and the questions their issues pose - than it having much to do with the person you chose to spend your life with. THE GOOD NEWS
There are ways of stopping negative patterns, of breaking circuits and rewiring a relationship. There are gentle ways of unpacking relationship patterns that may even lead to you understanding your parents, your partner and most importantly yourself, much better. If you fell in love and made vows to stick it out through thick and thicker, then stand up to the challenge and don't give up when the going gets tough or the rivers part. Distance and underlying conflict is a signpost or an opportunity for relationship growth and conflict resolution that has endless ongoing benefits not only for you, but for your partner, your children and their future. No one is perfect. Gaps will appear in your communication lines no matter how self aware you like to think you are. But if you're willing to look closer and admit your own flaws and fears, you may find you're not alone and your partner has the same. Distance and discomfort means somethings not quite right. That you're uncomfortable with what's going in and where it could be taking you as a couple, especially if you've seen it all before and don't like where it took primary figures in your life who never quite got past their own issues. And if you can identify that, then you're probably quite able - if willing - to do the work required to get things back on track. Relationships move in stages. Trajectories ebb and flow. But the pattern doesn't have to be a downward trend. Self discovery through relationship counselling can be enormously satisfying, particularly when it comes to solving issues that started way before you met each other. - Paul Medew, Practice Founder, Full Circle Counselling. Learn more about how we can help. o website: www.full-circle-counselling.com o email : [email protected] Family Therapy is a very specialised form of therapy that is based on the idea that your family is a community and that everybody has a role and place in the family which is often based on unconscious assumptions.
Families often settle into patterns of interacting and sometimes this leads to frustration and conflict, especially during times of change such as when children are entering young adulthood. As a family therapist I try to understand what everybody’s individual role in the family is and how things can be changed so that I endeavour to create a safe environment where everybody in the family has a voice, and where everybody feels able to say and feel things that they may have been unable to express previously.
Often there is one person in the family who is seemingly most concerned and wanting the family dynamic to change while other members of the family don't see the necessity in seeing someone. Ideally your therapist will want to see all members of the family, both as a unit and during individual sessions in order to gain an understanding of all perspectives. Your therapist will want to understand the family issues from multiple points of view. However, we understand that is not always possible. If your fellow family members are not yet ready to come to counselling that does not mean there are not changes we can help you with that may make a significant difference to how your family dynamic works and how you feel about it. Often when one or two members of the family take the leap and attend a session first, they can then report back positively to other members of the family and extend an invitation to other family members to attend the next sessions. We are happy to give all family members room to move in and out of attendance at their own pace and comfort level. A gradual, unforced approach is always best.
Yes, most certainly. We are happy to take appointment requests for after 5pm sessions any day of the week and some weekends.
o email : [email protected] It’s a familiar scenario; you’ve had a big fight, you’ve both been angry and said and done things you probably regret. Things have gotten a little too heated and out of hand. Later when you have both calmed down you both declare “let’s never fight again”. You probably feel raw and hurt but know you love each other and there is no doubt it is something you both mean and want. The bad news is that it is probably a certainty that you will fight again. In fact you will likely have pretty much the same fight again… and again. The fact that despite your best intentions the same pattern keeps recurring is confusing and disheartening and inevitably undermines your belief in your relationship and your partner. In my work with couples I start with the assumption that you will fight again. To say that you won’t is to set yourselves up for failure. As complex, nuanced and often contradictory human beings there is endless potential for misunderstandings and contradictory desires. In fact I would be rather more concerned to hear that a couple never fights. A couple that doesn’t fight is likely to be a couple that doesn’t communicate their feelings and that is a sure sign that the relationship will end up in trouble. Accepting the reality that you will have conflict opens up the possibility of doing things differently. It gives you the opportunity to reflect on the experience of fighting. I encourage couples to talk about how they argue. This does not mean starting the fight again, it’s not about bringing up the subject of the conflict, rather it is about looking at what happens when you argue. It’s about planning how you are going to fight when it happens next time. WHAT RULES CAN YOU SET AROUND CONFLICT?
These behaviours are a sure sign it is time to call a timeout. You are no longer discussing an issue that can be resolved, you are now fighting to make your partner feel hurt. FIGHT FAIR Planning to “fight fair” recognises the reality that when we fight we often become flooded with chemicals that shut down our ability to be rational adults. Setting some rules beforehand at least gives you both the potential to override the urge to keep fighting and agree that it’s time to walk away … until next time. Rather than saying “let’s never fight again” I would encourage you to say “let’s fight differently next time”. - Paul Medew - Founder, Full Circle Counselling Echuca. |