Toxic Silence : A Relationship Killer

The “cold shoulder” or “silent treatment” is a commonly used non verbal form of communication during a disagreement or misunderstanding in a relationship.

The good news is, if it’s designed to hurt or scold your partner, it works.

The bad news is, if you care about the health and longevity of your relationship, it’s a dead end street.

In other words, silent treatment is child’s play and it’s time to grow up.

You are not a child anymore and it’s time to learn how to communicate effectively and not just turn your back or shut down when an issue arises.

Toxic silence expands by the minute and can do untold damage to your partnership over time.

It creates an unhealthy tension and can lead to a deep chasm of distress and underlying issues that if left unresolved can be fatal to a relationship.

If used too often, stone walling or toxic silence can lead to a rupture in your relationship whereby unhealthy power plays start to crack the foundation.

The stone walling partner may successfully use silence as a weapon to begin with and feel a sense of control and power. They may even achieve an apology from their punished spouse or witness a momentarily positive change in their behaviour. But if this pattern goes on too long, the recipient of toxic silence may decide it’s no longer worth it and decide to move on.

This is not to say that the issues you face as an individual in a couple aren’t valid. Human beings are fallible and can let their partner down in many ways with or without realising. But toxic silence is a punitive measure that will take your relationship no where.

Sitting down together to have the uncomfortable conversation is the only way forward.

We often grow up seeing bad relationship patterns like “cold shouldering” modelled by adults around us who, through no fault of their own, didn’t have access to the sort of relationship wisdom we do today.

We can repeat this behaviour for our own children to learn or we can decide it’s time to break the cycle.

Learning to sit down and discuss in a mature way, your dissatisfaction with your partners behaviour or the way it makes you feel may feel foreign to begin with.

It’s okay to do this in your own time after the dust settles in an argument. You may need to cool down and gain your own perspective before talking. But don’t let the tension become toxic to the point where your partner feels scared, ashamed or abandoned. This is the beginning of the end.

Stay connected. Tell your partner you’re feeling upset and you need to talk it through but you’re just not ready. Reassure them that it’s ok and ask them to think about what they want to say as well. A sense that “we will be okay we just have to talk through things,” will prevail if you’re honest with yourself and your partner about why you’re feeling vulnerable or distressed.

There may be parts of you that have been triggered by your partners behaviour. It’s common when triggered that parts of you become defensive and angry. It takes work to get past the temptation to knee jerk react with an adult tantrum or toxic silence and arrive at a place where you’re ready to talk in a mature way.

Learning to communicate your thoughts and feelings properly will pay off tenfold in your relationship and if children are watching, there will be generational benefits.

If you’re wanting to change toxic patterns in relationships and need guidance, invest in couples therapy.

We take after hours appointments for those who prefer sessions after work or on weekends.

BOOK NOW
o full circle counselling
​​o consulting rooms
​o office left I 47 heygarth st echuca vic 3564

​​o phone
o 0478 672 867
o website: www.full-circle-counselling.com
o email : [email protected]
​
o "when you need to see someone..."