SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE STRATEGIES FROM TERRANCE REAL - Shared by Full Circle Couples Counselling Echuca

SOME FREE MARRIAGE THERAPY

“The New Rules of Marriage” By Terrance Real.


🍂 THE FIVE LOSING STRATEGIES

🍂 Needing to be Right

• 1) Finding out whose view is more “valid” or “accurate.”
  
• 2) Leads to endless objectivity battles.
  
• 3) Fuels the psychological violence of self-righteous indignation.
  

🍂 Controlling Your Partner

• 1) Can be direct or indirect (manipulation).
  
• 2) Short of outright coercion, control is an illusion.
  
• 3) People don’t like being controlled.
• 4) Payback is inevitable.
  

🍂 Unbridled Self-Expression

• 1) “I have the right and the need to share my feelings with you ‘spontaneously.’”
  
• 2) The Idea that all sharing is authentic and will increase closeness.
  
• 3) Rarely engenders generosity in others.
  

🍂 Retaliation

• 1) Perverse justice: “Offending from the victim position.”
  
• 2) Perverse communication: “Trying to make you feel what I feel.”
  
• 3) Can be explicit or covert (passive aggression).
  

🍂 Withdrawal

• 1) Differs from responsible distance taking.
  
• 2) Stems from either resignation or retaliation.
  
• 3) Often masquerades as mature acceptance.
  

🍃 THE FIVE WINNING STRATEGIES

🍃 Shifting from Complaint to Request

• 1) Move from a negative/past to a positive/future focus. Don’t criticize – ASK!
  
• 2) Make your requests specific, behavioral, and reasonable.
  

🍃 Speaking Out with Love and Savvy

• 1) Contract with your partner to engage in the repair process.
  
• 2) Remember love.
  
• 3) Use the four steps of the feedback wheel:
  

🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃 🍃
THE FEEDBACK WHEEL

This requires mature, adult selves to reflect (not react) with honesty.

• 1) What I saw or heard (the issue, the conflict, comment or event causing dissonance)
  
• 2) What I made up about it
  
• 3) How I feel about it
  
• 4) What I’d like
  
• 5) Let go of outcome
  

🍃 Responding with Generosity

• 1) Listen to understand.
  
• 2) Acknowledge whatever you can.
  
• 3) Give whatever you can.
  

🍃 Empowering Each Other

• 1) Acknowledge the gifts (insights) the responder has offered.
  
• 2) Ask what you might do to help the responder deliver.
  
• 3) Acknowledge whatever you can and give whatever you can.
  

🍃 Cherishing

(If you find these notions wishy-washy, you’re simply not trying hard enough to maintain a healthy relationship)

• 1) Remember abundance.
  
• 2) Give your partner specific positive feedback.
  
• 3) Nourish yourself and your relationship with time and energy.
  
• 4) Practice smart generosity.
  
• 5) Inhabit your talents and gifts without owning or disowning them.
  
• 6) Give back to the relationship .
  

🍁 The Repair Process:

🍁 • Phase One: Speaking and Listening

• 1) Speak out with love and savvy
  
• 2) Remember love
  
• 3) Use the feedback wheel
  
• 4) Listen with a generosity
  
• 5) Contention becomes curiosity
  
• 6) Understand the internal logic of your partner’s experience
  
• 7) Questions stop when you can accurately reflect and empathize
  

🍁• Phase Two: Responding with Generosity

• 1) Clarify your partner’s wishes
  
• 2) Acknowledge whatever you can
  
• 3) Give whatever you can
  

🍁• Phase Three: Empowering Each Other

• 1) Switch roles
  
• 2) Speaker appreciates and then asks how he might help his partner
  
• 3) Listener makes a request
  
• 4) Speaker acknowledges and gives
  
• 5) Both seal deal and appreciate
  

🍃 RECOMMEND READING : US by Terrance Real

🍃 Note from Full Circle Counselling :

If some of these negative patterns have seeped into your relationship and you require supportive guidance, book an appointment at www.full-circle-counselling.com