⭕️ We are not monolithic.

The parts of us that inform our decisions and reactions are based on foregone experiences in which “Shadow Selves” form.

The recognition of our internal multiplicity in “parts work” is essential.

Its the basis of Internal Family Systems (IFS) which we practice at Full Circle Counselling.

Learning how to recognise the internal :

⭕️ Managers
⭕️ Exiles
⭕️ Firefighters

who govern your conscience and react in self-defence gives you access to the Core Self - the solution maker.

The Core Self, as centralist, is the one you can rely on to make sound decisions and resolve issues.

In order for that central part to be activated, it first needs to sit with the reactive parts and listen to them.

It needs to befriend them, relinquish judgment or shame, patiently hear their story and validate it.

For example, a militant, karate-chopping part may have formed in childhood when it was wrongly blamed and failed to find the vocabulary to explain.

When a new incident occurs - something that is entirely irrelevant to that past experience- the Karate-chopper within may step forward to defend your adult self from judgement.

It will feel extreme and unlike you.

You will instantly recognise it as an anti-social reaction.

That’s your cue to take pause and find some time to sit with it and figure out where it originated. Hear that part out, thank it for trying to defend you. Reassure that part you are all grown up now and can handle this one on your own.

You’ll find the over-protective Karate arms will come down and will be happy for you that you’re capable - as an adult - of dealing with whatever issue is at play.

Again. We are not monoliths. We are multiplex. It’s a good thing.

So while some knee jerk reactions may feel out of character, they’re usually signs of past parts crying out to be heard.

Hear them. Hug them. And put them to bed. Allow the grown up or core self to take care of business.

As Founder of Full Circle Counselling Echuca I am trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS) and can help you access your parts, give them names and integrate them so your Core Self can lead forthwith.

Make an appointment today.

o full circle counselling
​​o consulting rooms
​o office left I 47 heygarth st echuca vic 3564

​​o phone
o 0478 672 867

o website: www.full-circle-counselling.com
o email : [email protected]

o principal therapist : paul medew
o abn 76613403975

o confidential counselling for individuals, couples & families
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o "when you need to see someone..."

Ever get the slight feeling of Deja vu within a relationship?

As complex and mysterious as humans can be, we're also pretty predictable.

Generally speaking, we're attracted to what we know and what we're familiar with. Even if that familiarity might not be a particularly healthy one from a psychological or familial perspective. 

If your folks were not the best at resolving conflict or even acknowledging their needs and if emotional distance was felt in your childhood home, there's a high chance you'II find yourself in a similar situation as years pass, no matter how committed you are to your partner or how thrilling the beginning of the relationship.

And naturally, your children will be passively training for role playing the same relationship dynamic in years to come. Watch those dominos fall!

The beginning of a relationship or the 'honeymoon' phase is a delightfully naive phase for a couple. You vow to keep the spark alive forever, conflict is unfathomable and there's no way you'II EVER end up like those emotionally distant couples you see meandering around like the ghosts of love lost. Until you do. 

THE GOOD NEWS
There are ways of stopping negative patterns, of breaking circuits and rewiring a relationship.

There are gentle ways of unpacking relationship patterns that may even lead to you understanding your parents, your partner and most importantly yourself, much better. 

If you fell in love and made vows to stick it out through thick and thicker, then stand up to the challenge and don't give up when the going gets tough or the rivers part.

Distance and underlying conflict is a signpost or an opportunity for relationship growth and conflict resolution that has endless ongoing benefits not only for you, but for your partner, your children and their future.

No one is perfect.

Gaps will appear in your communication lines no matter how self aware you like to think you are. But if you're willing to look closer and admit your own flaws and fears, you may find you're not alone and your partner has the same. 

Distance and discomfort means somethings not quite right. That you're uncomfortable with what's going in and where it could be taking you as a couple, especially if you've seen it all before and don't like where it took primary figures in your life who never quite got past their own issues. And if you can identify that, then you're probably quite able - if willing - to do the work required to get things back on track.
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Relationships move in stages. Trajectories ebb and flow. But the pattern doesn't have to be a downward trend.

Self discovery through relationship counselling can be enormously satisfying, particularly when it comes to solving issues that started way before you met each other.

- Paul Medew, Practice Founder, Full Circle Counselling. 

Learn more about how we can help.

​o website: www.full-circle-counselling.com
o email : [email protected]

It’s a familiar scenario; you’ve had a big fight, you’ve both been angry and said and done things you probably regret. Things have gotten a little too heated and out of hand. Later when you have both calmed down you both declare “let’s never fight again”. You probably feel raw and hurt but know you love each other and there is no doubt it is something you both mean and want.

The bad news is that it is probably a certainty that you will fight again. In fact you will likely have pretty much the same fight again… and again. The fact that despite your best intentions the same pattern keeps recurring is confusing and disheartening and inevitably undermines your belief in your relationship and your partner.

In my work with couples I start with the assumption that you will fight again. To say that you won’t is to set yourselves up for failure. As complex, nuanced and often contradictory human beings there is endless potential for misunderstandings and contradictory desires. In fact I would be rather more concerned to hear that a couple never fights. A couple that doesn’t fight is likely to be a couple that doesn’t communicate their feelings and that is a sure sign that the relationship will end up in trouble.

Accepting the reality that you will have conflict opens up the possibility of doing things differently. It gives you the opportunity to reflect on the experience of fighting.

I encourage couples to talk about how they argue.

This does not mean starting the fight again, it’s not about bringing up the subject of the conflict, rather it is about looking at what happens when you argue. It’s about planning how you are going to fight when it happens next time.

WHAT RULES CAN YOU SET AROUND CONFLICT?

• Can you agree that sometimes you need to just stop, that you’re going around in circles, that you’re too upset, that there is nothing to be gained at the moment from continuing to argue?

• Can you agree on a timeout phrase? “I need to walk away for a moment to calm down a bit” or a stop phrase “I need to stop now”.

• Can you agree beforehand to respect when your partner says these things, agree to disagree for now and walk away?

• Can you agree to avoid name calling or insults or disparaging the other’s personality?

These behaviours are a sure sign it is time to call a timeout.

You are no longer discussing an issue that can be resolved, you are now fighting to make your partner feel hurt.


FIGHT FAIR

Planning to “fight fair” recognises the reality that when we fight we often become flooded with chemicals that shut down our ability to be rational adults.

Setting some rules beforehand at least gives you both the potential to override the urge to keep fighting and agree that it’s time to walk away … until next time.

Rather than saying “let’s never fight again” I would encourage you to say “let’s fight differently next time”.

- Paul Medew
- Founder, Full Circle Counselling Echuca.