When Emotional Distance Creeps Into A Relationship...

Ever get the slight feeling of Deja vu within a relationship?

As complex and mysterious as humans can be, we're also pretty predictable.

Generally speaking, we're attracted to what we know and what we're familiar with. Even if that familiarity might not be a particularly healthy one from a psychological or familial perspective. 

If your folks were not the best at resolving conflict or even acknowledging their needs and if emotional distance was felt in your childhood home, there's a high chance you'II find yourself in a similar situation as years pass, no matter how committed you are to your partner or how thrilling the beginning of the relationship.

And naturally, your children will be passively training for role playing the same relationship dynamic in years to come. Watch those dominos fall!

The beginning of a relationship or the 'honeymoon' phase is a delightfully naive phase for a couple. You vow to keep the spark alive forever, conflict is unfathomable and there's no way you'II EVER end up like those emotionally distant couples you see meandering around like the ghosts of love lost. Until you do. 

As Alain de Botton identified in the most read article in the history of the New York Times article "Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person" :

"Though we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn’t that simple. What we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. 

We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood."
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But why? You ask. 

You're looking to solve it, that's why. You want to believe you're better than what you experienced as a child and can captain a relationship with far more integrity. Well guess what? So did they. So do we all.

Says De Botton:

"The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his/her anger, of not feeling secure enough to communicate our wishes. How logical, then, that we should as grown-ups find ourselves rejecting certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right — too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable — given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign. We marry the wrong people because we don’t associate being loved with feeling happy."

Fabulous isn't it?

If you find yourself wondering why you ended up feeling like a complete stranger to your partner or even yourself, its more likely to have more to do with the family you grew up in than the one you created or shall we say re-created. Its more likely that you're trying to solve the true mystery of love - the one your parents started and the questions their issues pose - than it having much to do with the person you chose to spend your life with.

THE GOOD NEWS
There are ways of stopping negative patterns, of breaking circuits and rewiring a relationship.

There are gentle ways of unpacking relationship patterns that may even lead to you understanding your parents, your partner and most importantly yourself, much better. 

If you fell in love and made vows to stick it out through thick and thicker, then stand up to the challenge and don't give up when the going gets tough or the rivers part.

Distance and underlying conflict is a signpost or an opportunity for relationship growth and conflict resolution that has endless ongoing benefits not only for you, but for your partner, your children and their future.

No one is perfect.

Gaps will appear in your communication lines no matter how self aware you like to think you are. But if you're willing to look closer and admit your own flaws and fears, you may find you're not alone and your partner has the same. 

Distance and discomfort means somethings not quite right. That you're uncomfortable with what's going in and where it could be taking you as a couple, especially if you've seen it all before and don't like where it took primary figures in your life who never quite got past their own issues. And if you can identify that, then you're probably quite able - if willing - to do the work required to get things back on track.
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Relationships move in stages. Trajectories ebb and flow. But the pattern doesn't have to be a downward trend.

Self discovery through relationship counselling can be enormously satisfying, particularly when it comes to solving issues that started way before you met each other.

- Paul Medew, Practice Founder, Full Circle Counselling. 

Learn more about how we can help.

​o website: www.full-circle-counselling.com
o email : [email protected]

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