On Shame & The Online Sphere - Projection as a dual act of avoidant transference.

BY PAUL MEDEW
FOUNDER
FULL CIRCLE COUNSELLING ECHUCA

NOTE: PARTS OF THIS BLOG POST WERE PUBLISHED IN THE SHEPPARTON NEWS.
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Its a seasonal concern and one not likely to abate. 

We're seeing increasingly conspicuous news items, locally, addressing underlying  fears of young people's exposure to a series of online attacks and more internationally, attempts at radicalisation.

The Vikings in the global online village intent on denigration and recruitment, commonly hide behind their screens when acting in the most de-humanising of ways. 

The denoted "trolls" of the village seem intent on de-humanising others as either a sick quest or more likely a projection of their own self loathing and frustration with their outlier status in the village. 

One of the most troubling aspects of online bullying and on a broader scale, modern life, is the rise of body shaming. The injuring of an Individuals physical esteem. 

The self cannot be removed from the body. Our sense of “Self", which I work with my clients very closely in my IFS and emotion-focussed psychological "Parts" work, is intrinsically linked to how we feel in the world, in the village, in the home and within ourselves. The Self has an internal compass toward safety and when our children and colleagues and friends are exposed to active humanisation of any kind, their compass toward safety sets off an alarm which usually manifests in severe and debilitating anxiety. Anxiety can take many forms (and leads to variant sometimes unhealthy coping mechanisms which is a whole other part of my work. How long have we got?)

It is daunting, unsettling and de-stabilising to be attacked online by a stranger with pejorative and sometimes very personal comments. The power that the abuser yields from doing it online is his or her knowledge that there is an audience; that its public and if comments are made through private messaging, the knowledge that they are only one step away from taking the humiliation into the public sphere where millions may see those comments.

To debunk that power is a difficult task. But there are communities online and off who are working together to break the weapons of the online bully and protect the victim from further harm.

It is the job of a therapist and if this is happening to a child, also a parent, to direct the victim’s internal compass back to a safe place or back to a strong sense of self that isn’t activated into anxiety, fear and distress by external forces. 

Online bullying - and please put your negation of the 'snowflake' phenomenon away when that term is mentioned - is a very dire reality that , as a technological extension or digital amplifier of a consumer based society itself is not going away any time soon. So the importance of education and training in how to deal with the online terrorist - and lets face it - it really is a form of terrorism in that the abuser is often masked by anonymity and often has other hidden agendas, most of which speak more about their own lack of compass control and compassion than anything else.

A shark knows where the wounded fish swim in the ocean. It goes for vulnerability and senses the blood. Knowing your Self and healing your own psychological wounds is a way to protect yourself from the social predator. 

Psychogical projection is an act of avoidance and transference. Many troubled individuals, including the classic online bully, is in actual fact projecting the self loathing, defeat, darkness, violence and chaos within themselves onto others. In fact a fully functioning, self actualising, compassionate and intelligent individual with a few sensitive wounds is often their favourite target. The conquest of the shark is to steal the strength and selfhood from the healthy and transfer on to them all the woes they carry within themselves. Its projection 101.

There's a reason they pursue and target strangers. A stranger has no context for the abuser's life. They have no come back. They can’t turn around and say “look, we all know your story, you’re not so tough buddy,” Its cowards play to attack a stranger or a distant colleague or quiet kid in the schoolyard to pick on. Online bullying is the biggest coward punch of them all. 

I am interested in the work of author and feminist, Clementine Ford. While some find her controversial or even misandristic and the profanity with which she sometimes speaks is perhaps not for children or the feint hearted, but I along with many others do admire her audacity and determination in calling out the broadly bull headed misanthropes who constantly regale themselves by attempting to threaten her sense of self. Clem’s answer to the online bully is to call them out and publish online their attacks to her legions of followers.

​She exposes the terrorist for the destructive and violent individual he or she is and calls upon the public to discuss the broader implications of their misanthropic work. Its a courageous act.

Clem holds her ground and her compass of safety very firmly and it will be public commentators such as Clem and so many women and men pushing forward in the body shaming online sphere who will eventually turn the tide on online bullying. They have found audiences who understand and who listen and who are finding practical and enlightening ways to disabuse themselves from the opine of others. 

The link between body shaming and disordered eating should not be ignored. Shame feeds on insecurity and its often the concealed insecurity that the online terrorist hunts for and feeds off. Thumbing thy nose to the attempts of the online terrorist to elicit shame is the single most powerful thing you can do. 

Dark triad personalities and armoured online and offline abusers often have deeply narcissistic traits/personality types and once their source of narcissistic supply is diminished (or once their victim turns their back and moves on happily) they truly do not know what to do. Often when they fail to injure an innocent victim, they feel injured themselves and very swiftly move on to the next victim to lash into in order to regain power. Its a vicious cycle. And one that keeps many a therapist in his/her job.

I think its important for those who have been victimised online to reject the idea of identifying as victim for any longer than they should. I love the saying “Before someone diagnoses you with depression, be sure you’re not just surrounded by a***holes (aka lesser beings).

Its important not to become the carrier of another person’s problems. It seems strange to think about, but attackers are often wanting to offload their very significant problems onto carriers. 

This is not the job of anyone but a therapist to deal with. Hand their negative baggage back to them, if only in your mind. Imagine walking up to their front door, knocking and saying “what you said momentarily made me feel shame, but I realised I’m carrying it for you. This is not my shame, this is yours. And I’m here to give it back to its rightful owner.” 
Then walk away. I guarantee they will not know what to do with it, but that is not your problem. 

These are very lonely people. What is emboldening is the fact that online communities are not only places of harm and trolling, they can also bring together vastly supportive groups of individuals who together keep the safety compass moving in the right direction. 

My advice to those dealing with online bullying is to physically block the bully’s profile, report if necessary, return the shame to them and move on, head high. Allowing a narcissistic attack to wound you in an effort for them to transfer their own self loathing onto an unsuspecting victim is to become entwined in their very disturbed and wounded identity. You have your own identity. Protect it.

There is a technique called D.E.E.P. which many use in the face of narcissistic abuse. 

Don’t 
Engage.
     Don’t 
Explain
Protect Your “self"

Abusive characters of all ages in all locations both on and offline feed off others pain, others protest, others need to explain, their very engagement. Its a win for them to see us distressed, indignant and wounded.

The most constructive way to counter the provocations from the narcissistic act or the bully is to disengage, pity them for the very miserable experiences that led to the formation of their complex, power-seeking personality and protect yourself from further harm by simply shutting them out. Its called grey-walling. Most online social media channels have a BLOCK function which is there to assist you in the aforementioned process. 

At Full Circle Counselling Echuca, we work with some clients to sharpen their knowledge of potentially harmful exposure to toxic personality types and to keep hold of their internal compass ( ie. "The Self” that I refer to who governs our reactions, our sense of identity, our ability to react or protect self when others are projecting their issues. ) It takeswork, but it has enduring gains.

Attacks on the Self, whether it be our bodies or our opinions, even our children, can be enormously distressing. But there are ways to step out of the realm of victimhood toward a better understanding of our reactions and their provocations. Its a tremendously liberating process and I encourage all parents, partners and individuals to educate themselves or seek guidance from a professional on how to hone those skills “

PAUL MEDEW
FOUNDER
FULL CIRCLE COUNSELLING ECHUCA
www.fullcirclecounselling.com.au