Family Therapy is a very specialised form of therapy that is based on the idea that your family is a community and that everybody has a role and place in the family which is often based on unconscious assumptions.

Families often settle into patterns of interacting and sometimes this leads to frustration and conflict, especially during times of change such as when children are entering young adulthood.

As a family therapist I try to understand what everybody’s individual role in the family is and how things can be changed so that I endeavour to create a safe environment where everybody in the family has a voice, and where everybody feels able to say and feel things that they may have been unable to express previously. 

• WHAT IF SOME OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS WON'T COME TO THERAPY?

Often there is one person in the family who is seemingly most concerned and wanting the family dynamic to change while other members of the family don't see the necessity in seeing someone.

Ideally your therapist will want to see all members of the family, both as a unit and during individual sessions in order to gain an understanding of all perspectives. Your therapist will want to understand the family issues from multiple points of view. 
However, we understand that is not always possible. 

If your fellow family members are not yet ready to come to counselling that does not mean there are not changes we can help you with that may make a significant difference to how your family dynamic works and how you feel about it. 

Often when one or two members of the family take the leap and attend a session first, they can then report back positively to other members of the family and extend an invitation to other family members to attend the next sessions. 

We are happy to give all family members room to move in and out of attendance at their own pace and comfort level. A gradual, unforced approach is always best.

• DO YOU OFFER AFTER HOURS OR REMOTE SESSIONS?

Yes, most certainly. We are happy to take appointment requests for after 5pm sessions any day of the week and some weekends.

• LATE NIGHT CLINIC

Our weekly Friday late night clinic caters for clients who find it hard to book their session during work hours. 

• BOOK A FAMILY COUNSELLING SESSION

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It’s a familiar scenario; you’ve had a big fight, you’ve both been angry and said and done things you probably regret. Things have gotten a little too heated and out of hand. Later when you have both calmed down you both declare “let’s never fight again”. You probably feel raw and hurt but know you love each other and there is no doubt it is something you both mean and want.

The bad news is that it is probably a certainty that you will fight again. In fact you will likely have pretty much the same fight again… and again. The fact that despite your best intentions the same pattern keeps recurring is confusing and disheartening and inevitably undermines your belief in your relationship and your partner.

In my work with couples I start with the assumption that you will fight again. To say that you won’t is to set yourselves up for failure. As complex, nuanced and often contradictory human beings there is endless potential for misunderstandings and contradictory desires. In fact I would be rather more concerned to hear that a couple never fights. A couple that doesn’t fight is likely to be a couple that doesn’t communicate their feelings and that is a sure sign that the relationship will end up in trouble.

Accepting the reality that you will have conflict opens up the possibility of doing things differently. It gives you the opportunity to reflect on the experience of fighting.

I encourage couples to talk about how they argue.

This does not mean starting the fight again, it’s not about bringing up the subject of the conflict, rather it is about looking at what happens when you argue. It’s about planning how you are going to fight when it happens next time.

WHAT RULES CAN YOU SET AROUND CONFLICT?

• Can you agree that sometimes you need to just stop, that you’re going around in circles, that you’re too upset, that there is nothing to be gained at the moment from continuing to argue?

• Can you agree on a timeout phrase? “I need to walk away for a moment to calm down a bit” or a stop phrase “I need to stop now”.

• Can you agree beforehand to respect when your partner says these things, agree to disagree for now and walk away?

• Can you agree to avoid name calling or insults or disparaging the other’s personality?

These behaviours are a sure sign it is time to call a timeout.

You are no longer discussing an issue that can be resolved, you are now fighting to make your partner feel hurt.


FIGHT FAIR

Planning to “fight fair” recognises the reality that when we fight we often become flooded with chemicals that shut down our ability to be rational adults.

Setting some rules beforehand at least gives you both the potential to override the urge to keep fighting and agree that it’s time to walk away … until next time.

Rather than saying “let’s never fight again” I would encourage you to say “let’s fight differently next time”.

- Paul Medew
- Founder, Full Circle Counselling Echuca.